Dear Friends,

The passage above says it all for me. There is a season and a time for everything and for me, the season is changing.

I am writing to let you know that I will be stepping away from The Dreaming Café for an undefined period of time.

I cannot continue to try and balance taking care of my Mom, taking care of my family, working part-time, building a business and writing career and taking care of my own well-being all at the same time.

Balance is an unattainable illusion that just keeps you running in circles and beating yourself up for not succeeding.

And, I can’t do it anymore.

The decision to let go of The Dreaming Café, even if only temporarily, isn’t easy.

My inner critic taunts me with statements like:

“If you stop, you’ll never start again.”

“There are millions of blogs. If you stop now you’ll lose everything; three years of writing and building relationships down the tubes. You’ll have to start all over.”

“People will forget you.”

“You’re a failure. Just another blogger, writer wanna-be, who bites the dust.”

Stepping back in many ways does feel like failure. And, I am afraid that all of these fears will come true.

But, right now, despite these fears, The Dreaming Café it is a distraction and a burden.

Right now I have other responsibilities and other priorities, the main one being taking care of my Mom and supporting her during the final months of her life.

The truth is, if I have to, I will start over. I’ll take it one small step at a time, one day at a time, one post at a time, one relationship at a time.

It won’t be the first time I’ve had to start over and it may not be the last. I’m okay with this.

So this is goodbye, at least for awhile.

I want to thank all of you for allowing me and The Dreaming Café to be part of your life these past three years.

I wish you all the best and I hope I’ll have the pleasure of connecting with you once again in the future.

Peace, love and blessings,
Sandy

How many times have you committed to more than one goal, project or objective and then ended up feeling overwhelmed and pulled in too many directions? Did you keep plugging along? Or, did you end up quitting and not accomplishing a whole lot?

I usually take on too much. I underestimate the amount of time, energy and resources I have or need. I feel overwhelmed, pulled in too many directions and usually give up before I’ve reached the end.

This month, the start of 2012, I’ve been playing with making one commitment at a time and seeing how it goes before I make another one.

So far, it’s working. It’s also helped me recognize when a commitment is too big in relation to my other responsibilities. I can then temporarily let it go and move onto something else.

One big intention I made at the beginning of January was to go gluten-free, 100% vegan. I had plan. One new recipe a week, pack my lunch, take it one day at a time. But, in reality this didn’t work. I really don’t have the energy to put into this commitment right now.

When I set this intention I didn’t know that my Mom was going to start radiation and that she had to go every day. That meant that I that every day I had to be up and out of the house by 7:30am and I didn’t arrive back home until about the same time every night. Weekends were just as hectic. My Mom doesn’t live with me, so in essence I travel between two homes and maintain two households (cleaning, cooking, bill paying, etc.). Trying to find several extra hours a week to diligently plan gluten-free, 100% vegan meals proved to be too much, so, I took the pressure off of myself and decided that it just wasn’t the right time. (Side note…her last radiation treatment was this past Tuesday. Yeah! for both of us.)

I then set a smaller commitment, a baby one, and one that had no relation to food. I decided that this year I would not end up with a giant pile of unread or partially read magazines by the end of the year. I would read them within a week of them arriving, or I would give them away or recycle them. I didn’t realize how many magazines I subscribed, too, but this commitment has been small enough that I’ve been able to manage it with ease.

This past week I added a new commitment, writing 1000 words a day. I wrote about this earlier this week in the post ‘Writers Write’. On the surface this looks like a big commitment, but over the last few days I’ve been playing with it and have discovered that it isn’t as difficult as you might think.

I realized that I don’t have to write 1000 words a day all at one time. I’ve been experimenting with writing a few hundred words in the morning and finishing up my word count in the evening. Writing this way has so far been working wonderfully.

So now I’ve made three commitments in three weeks and have stuck with two of them. If I had set all three the first of January I would have felt overwhelmed and given up on all them. I wouldn’t have been able to distinguish which commitment was too big, which one were easy and which one, with a little creative planning, was quite achievable.

I have a very long list of commitments I want to make and goals for things I want to be, do and have. This new approach, one commitment at a time, seems to working out the best at achieving them.

Tracking my progress - 1000 Words a day

Since the start of the New Year I’ve been feeling like I’m falling further and further behind in keeping up with my dreams and keeping up with The Dreaming Cafe.

Part of me is able to stand back and acknowledge all that I have accomplished while also meeting the many personal obligations I have – obligations and responsibilities I have no regrets about taking on.

I’m proud of my accomplishments. Since the beginning of 2009 I have written and published over 120 issues of The Dreaming Cafe newsletter, written and posted over 400 blog posts, taught several online and offline workshops, hosted several teleclasses, written a few guest blogs, met a lot of inspiring people (some of whom are now friends), and collaborated with Barbara Winter and Alice Barry to launch the first Joyfully Jobless Jamboree. The Dreaming Cafe has helped me grow and expand in so many ways.

But, at the same time, a part of me feels like I am not doing enough. I’m not doing enough at home, not enough for my Mom, not enough for my husband, not enough at work and certainly I’m not enough here at The Dreaming Cafe. I haven’t had any new events, my newsletter has only gone out sporadically the last seven months, I’m not blogging regularly despite my best intentions and I’m not keeping up with my social media accounts. It feels like the success I’ve had is slipping away. I’m afraid that I will lose it all.

That’s the place I’ve been stuck in for the past week. I pretend that that everything is okay, when everything is not okay. It’s not okay.

When I find myself in this stuck, panicky, anxiety plagued place I try to remember to…

Breathe. Take a deep breath, then another, then another.

Stop hiding. Reach out to others. Ask for help. Just ‘be’ in the presence of others who ‘get’ me.

Write. Write. Write some more.

Pull out my art journal, paints, markers, crayons, glue and whatever else is in handy and lose myself in the act of creating. (I’ve discovered that art journaling is not only fun, but is amazingly calming and healing.)

These are the things that help me feel a little bit better, a little more calm and a little more peaceful.

They also remind me to let go and to TRUST . . . Trust that I am right where I am suppose to be, doing just what I’m suppose to be doing, in this moment.

Message Stone January 2012

How do you close out the year? Is it a flurry of activity, get-togethers and parties with family and friends? Do you take time to reflect on the year that is coming to a close and plan for the New Year?

I like to take time throughout the month of December to reflect on where I’ve been, what I’ve learned and begin the process of setting an intention for the New Year.

I’d loved to schedule a whole day, a whole week or go away just for this purpose, but real life doesn’t usually permit this luxury. Instead I have learned to take a few minutes or a few hours every day to review, reflect, journal, dream and plan.

As I prepare for the New year, one of the things I don’t do is set New Year resolutions.

What I do instead is choose a theme and/or a few words that will act as a guide and a reminder of my purpose throughout the year. I’m not the only one who does this. Barbara Winter, Chris Brogan, Christine Kane and Chris Guillebeau have all written and shared a similar process.

I start my process by reviewing my journals, reflecting on the things I accomplished and the things I wanted to do, but failed to achieve. I then use this as the foundation for identifying what I want to be, do and have in the New Year.

Sometimes my theme doesn’t show itself right away. This past year was like that.

I had a hard time setting an intention for 2011 before it arrived. I felt a sense of urgency to continue to build on all that I had learned and discovered over the past years. Based on the almost frantic, panic-driven sense of urgency I knew this wasn’t the right choice. I had to let go and slow down to see what was right in front of me. Once I did I realized that my family, relationships and self-care were going to be the overriding theme – whether I liked it or not.

I needed to remind myself of my guiding theme numerous times thought the year. By allowing myself to be guided by the themes of family, relationships and self-care 2011 turned out to be a very good year filled with love, personal healing and growth and a deepening of many relationships.

Now that 2012 is almost here I am once again looking back and looking forward.

Last night as I was writing out my thoughts and mindmapping in my giant journal (18” x 24”) I recognized that I had some really BIG desires and intentions coming up. It’s a little scary.

Reminding myself that I needed to take small steps didn’t help much. Envisioning small steps was very helpful when I first started out with a fuzzy vision. Small steps are also very helpful when I’m working a small project that has a clearly defined beginning, middle and end.

But, some of the things I’m seeing for 2012 will only be a beginning and I needed some way to move forward, one small step at a time, but within a bigger timeframe.

Then last night while reading I came across a reference to AA’s 12-Steps and the idea of staying sober in this moment, this day, of not taking on the giant task of staying sober every day for the rest of your life in a single moment.

I realized that staying sober was a long-term goal that was about not just the action of not drinking, but it was also about including a time reference, too – today, just today, just this moment.

I realized I needed to take this expanded small step idea and apply it to some of the big, scary things I was looking at for 2012. That’s when ’52-weeks, One Day at a Time’ popped into my head.

52-weeks, One Day at a Time, is the small step way but with a twist. The focus shifts from not just the action itself, but includes a moment to moment awareness of the long-term goal while taking it just one day at a time.

The 52-weeks, One Day at a Time idea has shifted my perspective on a whole variety of things from my meditation practice, exercising, saving money, losing weight, and on and one.

My big, scary intentions for 2012 don’t look so big and scary now – well, maybe still just a little bit.

Since I am still in the process of reviewing 2011 and preparing for 2012 I am not ready to share what I’ve chosen for my theme or my guiding words, but I will share with you some of the words and themes that have guided my in recent years.

2007: Awakening and opening. This is the year I simply and gently started to acknowledge the things I needed and wanted.

2008: Discovery, healing and forgiveness. Even though I had started to acknowledge my dreams the prior year and had started to move forward I realized I had a lot of internal healing to do first. This was a very difficult and emotional year.

2009: Creativity, relationships, exploration and fun. This is the year I launched The Dreaming Café, attended my very first creativity/art workshop and resigned from my full-time day-job. Several new friendships were born this year, too.

2010: Exploration continued as a theme, small steps was another and growing into my vision was my third theme.

Do you choose New Year’s Resolutions or use the guiding words and themes process? How do you prepare for the New year?

Do you feel like the idea of 52 weeks, One Day at a Time could help you achieve what you want to be, do and have in 2012?

I love to read. I love to learn. I love being transported into different times and places. I love discovering new things.

Collecting books and readings books have long been passions of mine, one shared and passed down to me by my Dad, another bibliophile.

I can spend all day in a public library, university library or bookstore. Used book sales are another place I lose track of time. If I open Amazon.com while on the internet it’s just as bad. An hour seems like only minutes.

But, even as my passion for books and reading has grown stronger over the years, I’ve noticed that the number of books I read and the amount of time I spending reading has steadily declined.

I used to devour three, four, five or more non-fiction books, and possibly a novel or two, every week no matter how many hours I worked. Now I am lucky if I finish one book a week and I only work part-time.

At first this really bothered me. What was wrong with me? Why was I falling behind on my reading?

The easy answer was that my eyes are older and tire more easily.

But, that wasn’t really it.

The truth was that something a little more important had taken the place of reading.

Instead of reading constantly, always seeking more and more answers, more and more inspiration and daydreaming about what if’s, I started taking action.

I was moving instead of reading.

I was creating a life I loved instead of reading about and dreaming about a life I could love.

I love the life I have today. And, I love it more and more every day. It’s because I read less, and act more that I can say that.

But, at the same time, although I may read less, I also know that having a life I love will always include reading books (and collecting them).

I have all kinds of thoughts while I am driving. As long as I’m moving and not stuck in traffic I enjoy driving. I often have some of my best ideas while driving. Today as I was rounding the 42 curve I was imagining what my afternoon would look like after I got home and the words “embrace me. embrace me for who I am today” pooped into my head.

I suddenly relaxed (which was odd because I didn’t even realize I was tensing up). Prior to those words invading my consciousness I was thinking about all the things I had to do, or felt I should do when I got home. But, instead those few words filled me with a sense of peace. I was energized, excited and buzzing when I walked in the door.

EMBRACE ME!

Ah, what freedom those two words gave me today.

To capture the feeling I whipped out my art journal to make a collage of ME.

I was struck by two thoughts while searching for pictures of myself. One, I smile a lot. And, two, I can be extremely focused. There wasn’t a whole lot in between – happy and smiling or totally intent and focused. I kind of like both of these aspects about me. (I did find one dreamy image of me sitting with my eyes closed. I like this side of me, too.)

After finishing up my Sandy Collage I decided my theme for the rest of the year will be…EMBRACE ME! I’m loving the freedom of those two words!!

How about you? What’s your theme for the rest of the year? Want to join me in embracing who you are in this moment?

November 7, 2011 Art Journal Page - "Embrace Me" Collage

I spend about 1-3 hours in my car every day, 7-days a week. Most of the time I just drive with the radio off and enjoy the quiet solitude. At other times I listen to audio-books and other recordings such as educational seminars and workshops.

Lately I’ve been listening to Pema Chodron’s Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion.

I’ve had the audio recording for several years but couldn’t listen to it. It was too hard for me. I wasn’t ready to hear what she had to say, and she has a lot to say. But, listening now I resonate with her words. It’s a lot to take in all at one time and I’m trying to slowly absorb what she has to teach.

She talks about mindfulness, staying in the present moment, of loving-kindness toward ourselves and others and of compassion for all sentient beings.

She explains why sitting meditation is so powerful as a daily practice and how it can be a way to become more aware of our surroundings and the present moment even when we are not meditating.

Listening to her words, feeling them, and immersing myself in them is helping me see my life from a different perspective.

I am sometimes overwhelmed by emotions and memories of my own pain and suffering. I try to swallow them, push them down or runaway from them. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, that I ‘can’t handle them’.

It is the same when I see or experience other people’s suffering. I’m often overwhelmed with emotion. I usually try to push these feelings down, to turn away from them, to try and escape from them so as not to drown in them. I’m embarrassed by the depth of emotion I feel, even if it’s triggered by fictitious suffering. I have a hard time watching violent movies or television shows, even emotional charged commercials (those PETA commercials can have me sobbing in a few seconds).

But, listening to these teachings I realize I don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed by the depth of emotion, connection and compassion I feel. Maybe if I stop pushing these feelings down and away, learn to sit with them, to feel them fully while practicing loving-kindness maybe in some small way I can help ease my own suffering, the suffering of someone close to me, or maybe even even the suffering of someone I don’t even know.

I’ve realized that I can be a bodhisattva warrior in training…one who seeks liberation from suffering not only for themselves, but for all beings.

It is not an easy path to choose, but in my heart it feels like the right path.

If you’re interested in learning more…

As I was reading Jo Packman try to describe what dreaming is in her column “From my Kitchen Table” in the Aug/Sept/Oct 2011 Where Women Create issue I couldn’t help but identify with her definition, or lack of one. She described her dreams as ebbing and flowing, from one dream to the next, changing from “one perfect Monday” to a “certain special Sunday”.

She has lots of dreams. Big dreams. Little dreams. Dreams that change as life changes, sometimes day to day.

I thought, me, too.

Then she said something that truly resonated with me, “I want it all … and for reasons that I cannot explain I cannot seem to be happy if I am not dreaming, working, accomplishing something new, something more, something for those other than myself.”

Me, too.

I want it all. I’m not happy if I’m not dreaming, brainstorming, planning, taking action, learning something new, sharing what I’ve learned, solving a problem, accomplishing something more, helping others, making a difference.

But, sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) I get impatient with myself for not choosing ‘the ONE’.

I dream about supporting myself full-time as a writer.

I dream about writing life-changing books and helping others live happier, healthier, more fulfilling lives.

I dream about owning and leading my own company that creates, develops, publishes, markets and distributes educational products that inspire, empower and educate people from all over the world.

I dream about teaching, coaching and sharing with people the tools they both need and want to live the life of their dreams.

I dream about going back to school.

I dream about traveling and teaching.

I dream of making a difference, of supporting myself as a writer, of being 100% self-employed and self-supporting

I dream about…

I feel like I should choose one, find a niche, focus and put all my energies into that one dream.

How can I expect to travel and teach if I own a business, have employee’s, a studio, a warehouse to manage?

How can I go back to school if I’m trying to write and build a business that supports me?

How can I think about making a difference and making money with the same idea?

How can I…

I dream about doing it all, accomplishing it all right NOW, right this minute.

But, the dreams, the doubts, the fears and the ‘how’s’ pull me out of the moment, out of the here and the now.

That impatience, that foot-stomping childish demand to have it all, for it to be perfect, and to have it right this minute are where the doubts and the ‘how’s’ come in.

It’s not the dreams themselves that are the issue.

It’s not the choosing, because in essence all of my dreams seem to fit together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and they all have the same underlying essence.

It’s leaving the moment, living in some distance, picture perfect moment in the future.

It’s forgetting to start where I am, to believe in me and my dreams and to trust.

I remind myself daily (usually several times a day) to breathe, to be mindful and to pull myself back into the present moment and to remember … I’m happiest when I’m dreaming, brainstorming, planning, taking action, learning something new, sharing what I’ve learned, solving a problem, accomplishing something more, helping others, making a difference…and I can do all of that right now, in this moment.

And, so can you.

What are your dreams? What’s holding you back? What makes you happy? Are you living in the past, the future? Can you imagine what t would be like to hold your dream, even a small part of it in your hand today, to take action and experience it in this moment?

Use your journal to write about and explore your answers.

Or, get your art journal out, look for images in magazines or online that resonate with you; draw something a picture that in some way represents your feelings; use words and color to enhance and empower your images and let your answers come to you.

Sandy’s art journal page, August 27, 2011…

A recent article in Barbara Winter’s 25th Anniversary issue of Winning Ways gave a quick snapshot of highlights from the last 25-years since she started Winning Ways and teaching Making a Living Without a Job (which eventually blossomed into one of my favorite books).

Her article had me looking into my own past and is helping me see things in a new light when I ask myself “How did I get here?”

1998 – Bluffed my way into an entry level office job by promising I could use the latest Microsoft office products like Word and Excel. In reality, I had only a brief exposure to computers since 1984, didn’t even know what a ‘mouse’ was and had only read about Microsoft in magazines.

1998 – After starting my new job I bought my first home PC and began to teach myself how to use it.

1999 – Resolved a software compatibility issue and ‘bug’ in the office label making software that outside consultants could not fix after spending all day working on it. Later in the year I received my first promotion.

1999 – Having fallen in love with technology and the internet I taught myself HTML and created my very first website for my own business.

1999 – 2000 Started my first 2 businesses – Kids Mail Time: a monthly gift subscription service for children and Safe Schools, Safe Kids: selling child I.D. Kits and see-thru backpacks filled with school supplies. Both eventually flopped, but I loved the whole process form dreaming to making those dreams a reality.

2000 – 2003 – Used a $10 piece of software I bought with my own money to run a $25M department which finally opened the eyes of the Board of Directors to what I could do if given the opportunity to use state-of-the-art, industry leading logistics software.

2005 – Participated as a panelist for a breakout session on GPS Technology and Routing Optimization at the DC Expo in Chicago, IL, (a tradeshow attracting thousands of distribution, warehousing, transportation and logistics professionals)

2006 – Launched and led a Women’s Creativity Circle that met weekly to explore doing things we loved, overcoming obstacles and brainstorming ideas.

2008 – Presented a delivery optimization case study to over two-hundred transportation industry professionals at the National Private Truck Council’s annual meeting in Cincinnati, OH.

2008 – Launched my logistics consulting company New Route Logistics - “a unique and innovative consulting company committed to improving the economic sustainability of small and mid-sized, wholesale and retail distribution companies and service providers by providing route/delivery optimization and ongoing logistics and business support.”

2009 – Launched the The Dreaming Café newsletter and blog. Taught my first online workshop, Journaling for Self-Discovery. Resigned from my full-time, day job.

2010 – My first year of full-time self-employment. I continued to teach online journaling workshops and added a Twitter Basics Teleclass to my curriculum. I began selling used books on Amazon.com as an additional income stream. And, I spent a good part of the year planning the Joyfully Jobless Jamboree with Barbara Winter and Alice Barry.

2011 – Celebrated the two-year anniversary of The Dreaming Café. Invited to teach social media at First Class, an independent adult education center in Washington DC and at the North Wildwood Beach Writer’s Conference. And….well, it’s only April.

I included both highlights from my corporate live and my self-employed life, because I would have never had the one without the other. The years I spent working was like getting paid to go to school. Through trying, learning, succeeding and failing, I gained a level of self-confidence and belief in myself I’d never had before. I also realized that I was just as intelligent and capable as the financially successful executives and business owners that I had met over the years and that they didn’t have anything I didn’t have. Through working, striving and succeeding in the corporate world I gained the knowledge, experience and confidence to work strive and succeed working for myself.

What’s next?

Well, after recently announcing several projects and ventures prematurely I’ve decided that going forward I’m not going to write about or talk about things I’m going to do, instead I’m going to write about and talk about the things I’ve already done. This means that talking is being replaced with doing, and if I want things to write about I need to start taking more action.

So, that’s a bit more of my story answering the question “How did I get here?” What’s yours?

When my Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer in August 2009 I recognized that I would be taking on the role of caregiver. I also recognized that I wouldn’t be able to do this while also working full-time and building my business on the side, part-time. Something had to give. A few months later I walked away from a twelve year career and a well-paying job to care for my Mom and to work in my own business full-time.

I felt really good about my decision. I had some money saved and I reasoned that by giving up my full-time day job I’d have all the time and energy I needed to build my business and be there for my Mom.

Things didn’t quite work out like I planned.

First, letting go of the toxicity from the last few months in the workplace took longer than I expected.

And, building my business and striving to duplicate my previous income wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Ideas on paper didn’t always work out in the real world. After twelve months I was a long way from where I needed to be financially to continue to support both me and my Mom.

When the opportunity arose for me to return to work part-time I struggled with the decision. Part of me recognized it would relieve the financial strain I was under of supporting two households, but a part of me felt like a failure. I was also worried about how it would be perceived by my entrepreneur friends, my readers and my subscribers. Would they see my decision to go back to the corporate world, even part-time, a failure, too?

The deal I was offered was a fair one and I would be doing work I was good at. I had to think about what was best for me and my family and not worry about what other people would think. So, thirteen months after leaving the corporate world I made the decision to return part-time.

At the time I told myself nothing would change. I’d be there for my Mom, my husband, my readers, clients, subscribers, friends, nieces, nephews and siblings. I could do it all, caregiving, work part-time and build a business full-time.

The thing is, I have the tendency to overestimate what I can do while at the same time, underestimating the time and energy I’ll need to meet the obligations I’ve taken on.

I also have a tendency to forget to take care of me, while I’m trying to take care of everyone else.

Needless to say, things haven’t quite quite worked out as I’d planned.

Yesterday I was reading a personal essay I’d written several years ago describing how I’d felt when I reached the point in my life where I could no longer continue living, working and merely existing. I was burnt-out and unhappy. My dreams were a long forgotten memory at the time. It was a major turning point in my life. But, what surprised me most was the description of how I felt at the time sounded eerily familiar.

“I was annoyed and angry most of the time for no apparent reason. I’d cry at the smallest slight or rip someone’s head off if they even looked at me sideways. I couldn’t sleep, but I didn’t want to get out of bed.”

I’ve been so afraid to slow down. I’m been afraid of what people will think. I’ve been afraid of losing friends and the respect of people I know. I’ve been afraid that I’ll lose momentum and I won’t have a business. I’ve been afraid I’ll fail the people I love the most.

I realized I was trying to be everything to everyone and I wasn’t taking care of myself at all.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be everything to everyone. Something has to give.

First, I have to start taking care of me. And, honestly, I don’t even know what that means at this point. And, that scares the bejeebers out of me. How can I be on a journey of self-discovery, but yet be so far from even knowing what I need to care for myself?

And, my priorities, right now, in this moment, are to love, care for and support my family.

So, what has to give?

Well, I need a steady income. That’s a fact. My business doesn’t meet that demand right now. So, that means I will continue to work part-time. It’s a good gig and despite the office politics, I like the majority of people I work with and I enjoy my work, so it’s not a burden.

Where does that leave me?

Yep, the one place I didn’t want to slow down in, my business and my writing. The one place I’ve feared slowing down in. But, slowing down doesn’t mean I’m giving up or quitting, or even that I’m a failure.

Working for myself and being a writer are my dreams. I’m not letting them go. I’m refocusing my energy for the present time and I’m taking the pressure off of myself to perform and show up based on obligation and fear.

I’m not sure how this whole process is going to unfold and manifest, and I’m not sure of what the repercussions will be. But, for me, today, it’s the right decision. And, despite the fear, inside where it matters, it feels like the right decision.

I hope you’ll continue to check back and hang out with me as this new chapter of my journey unfolds.

PS…I’m still teaching and working with a few select clients. Please realize, I’m not going away, just slowing down.