Wake Up

I have been feeling very unsettled lately. I haven’t been sleeping. I’m restless. Irritable. Fidgety.

And, it’s odd because over the last few weeks while working on ideas to redesign the Dreaming Café website I have become much clearer and focused in my self-employed life.

The Dreaming Café’s new tagline “where self-discovery, self-expression and self-employment come together” reflects more clearly what I want to do and what I want to contribute.

Many of the things I imagined doing last year became real this past month. Under the Dreaming Café’s umbrella I taught a workshop, wrote an informative, helpful ebook and taught a teleclass. I opened my business checking account and designed my new business cards. And, I have several new and exciting projects I am working on for the coming months.

Business feels good. The Dreaming Café feels good. I’m happy and content here. I love the people and the atmosphere. I feel focused and excited.

But, life isn’t just our work or our vocation. It’s so much more.

And, it’s the ‘so much’ more that has me feeling very unsettled.

Reading recent posts at Blisschick, Divine Cowgirl Chronicles, Fumbling for Words, Dirty Footprints Studio and Creative Juices Arts feel like little pin pricks on my skin, in my heart and on my soul. I hear a whisper that repeats ‘wake up, wake up’.

I’m not sure if I want to wake up. I’m comfortable right now.

I feel like stomping my feet and crying, Why? Haven’t I done enough work these last few years? Haven’t I cried and hurt and healed? Haven’t I done ‘the work’?

Part of me knows that to live an authentic life, ‘the work’ is never done.

The other part wants to stomp my feet and say NO, I’ve had enough, just like a little kid.

I hate being told what to do, even if it is me telling me what to do.

I am telling myself that I need to move. I need to get out of my head and into my body. I need to experience my body from the inside out. I need to move and stretch and to see and feel my muscles again.

I am telling myself that the person I always thought I was, the left-brained, logical, sensible, down to earth person I have lived as, isn’t really me. And, that when I the word ‘artist’ mysteriously popped into my Twitter bio over a year ago it came from a very deep place within me. I left it there, because it felt right, but little did I know the consequences.

I abandoned my daily meditation practice last year right around the same time my Mom became ill.

My meditation practice gave me a sense of peace and stability, but after two years it was beginning to take me places I didn’t think I would have the time and energy to explore. Plus, it felt selfish to take care of myself, to focus on me, when other people needed me more.

But, the whisper ‘wake up, wake up’ won’t go away. I am beginning to realize…

I need to slow down and breathe again.

I need to embrace the ‘artist’ within me. The one I pushed down and buried years ago and allow her to emerge, to experiment and to play.

I need to move. I need to stretch. I need to sweat. I need to feel my physical strength once more. I need to move out of my head and into my body and realize they are one.

I need to accept that I am 44, not 24 and realize that it is okay, but to also stop acting and feeling like I am 84.

These are the things I tell myself I need to do.

Everyday the whisper ‘wake up, wake up’ buzzes in my ear.

I was afraid to write about this because I knew once I acknowledged where my restlessness, unsettledness and discomfort was coming from, I would have to do something about it.

Today is the first step. Acknowledgment.

The buzzing just got louder.