I spent the day yesterday visiting my old work place, chatting with old friends and going to lunch with my old boss.
I don’t miss the politics, the drama, the battles or the commute. I do miss the people, my paycheck, and the intellectual challenge.
I have no regrets about resigning. It is not where I want to be.
The problem is that some days I don’t know where I want to be. I just feel lost.
It’s not that I don’t have things to do. I have a lot of projects lined up and a to-do list a mile long.
I should be excited. I should be hyper motivated. I should be working my ass off.
But, I’m not.
I stare out the window and watch the squirrels run around like crazy. I bake bread and make big pots of homemade soup. I soak in the tub at two in the afternoon. I aimlessly surf the net reading about all the great things people are planning to do in 2010 while I have anxiety attacks when people ask me “What are you planning for next year? What do you do for money? How do you support yourself?”
I mumble a little, try to legitimize quitting my job by talking about my logistics consulting company, try to explain that The Dreaming Cafe is not a brick and mortar coffee house and that I write, but I don’t get paid for writing.
I have no clear answer right now. I just know that I didn’t belong where I was any more, and that I am following my heart to where I believe I belong.
The in-between place is where I am now. It is this in-between place that I feel lost.
This morning the feeling of being lost was particularly intense.
I meditated. That didn’t help.
I journaled. That didn’t help.
I turned the heater up and lit a candle. That didn’t help.
I emailed some friends. That didn’t help.
Then, while I was cleaning up my email box I re-read Tama Kieves’ Awakening Artistry December newsletter and decided today I would just ‘be’ with what I was feeling.
Tama has been where I am today and I admire her greatly. I pulled down my copy of “This Time I Dance” and randomly opened to page 105.
Reading this helped me realize I am not alone and I am not the first person to walk this path…
“I’d find myself missing what I hated, only because that bustle and busyness felt substantial and I did not. I didn’t want to practice law. And I didn’t want to return to the sleek oppression of an office on the thirtieth floor. Yet I longed for the coherence of a world. I wanted places to go and hats to wear and the easy well-being of knowing just where I belonged. Dangling on the sidelines, I longed for a part in the play.”
Oh, how I too, long for a part in the play.
But, like Tama I’m committed to the journey, of sometimes feeling lost and to experiencing the unknown because I don’t want a part in someone else’s play. I want to write my own play, produce it, direct it and star in it.
That takes time.
Today I just need to lovingly, and without judgment, acknowledge feeling lost and go with the flow.
I have a chat scheduled with a friend at 11am and a lunch date with an ex-coworker at 1pm.
In between, and the rest of the day, I think I’ll curl up with Tama’s book, order a pizza for dinner and maybe watch a movie…and, remember to close my eyes periodically, breath deeply and feel grateful that I am loved by family and friends and that I have all that I need and want in this moment in time.
Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate the time you took to read and to comment. Your supportive and kinds comments made my day.
I think going through this is normal, but it is still nice to know you are not alone. Hugs to everyone and Happy New Year!!
Sandy, you have made some huge changes and that means a lot of irky stuff comes oozing out. It’s like clearing a blocked drain. Give it time and all will flow fresh and clear next year. You need to let your plans percolate for a while. Stay positive and focussed. You can have all that yuou have dreamed about!!
Sandy…I just found your site and it’s just what I needed to hear at this moment. You see I’m at the same point on my path that you are and I’m scared to death. I’m a lot older than you are so I’ve been dithering around in circles for many many years without finding my authentic self. That’s what happens when you rely on other peoples opinions to direct your future. It never worked no matter how hard I tried.
Anyway, I understand your feelings because I’ve been living with them too. All I can give you is moral support and hope for a better tomorrow. For us all. I’ll be following your progress with much interest.
Hang in there. Here’s a hug for your soul.
Hi Sandy,
I remember being in that in-between place you speak of. Pat yourself on the back for your courage to have resigned from your old tic-toc job that was no longer serving you.
Indeed, do accept that the place you’re in, the “lost” place is absolutely normal and part of your growth. It is scary when your ship leaves the safety of the harbor and you begin to squint to see the shore you just left. The open sea feels like an endless body of water with no refuge, no destination; making you wonder if there even is another land out there, somewhere, anywhere?
You’re in that in-between phase which can (will) be very exciting as you:
- replace old friends with new ones (which are more aligned with who you are becoming)
- discover new skills/talents/interests now that you’re “free”
- explore the immense possibilities
- are reborn
- discover new communities
Take comfort in the fact the “lost” feeling you are experiencing comes from you growing and leaving the familiar behind. It’s part of being courageous and taking risks.
When I had these feelings, I would not fight the feeling but I found that what did help was to do something physical like going for a brisk walk. It wouldn’t cover up the feeling but it did help virtually every time.
It’s just a phase, hang in there, Sandy, you’ll get through it.
Gilles
(cheering for your courage!)
The in between place can be downright painful to me. Arrrggghhh, I say.
But then I know it is a place where I “get to” grow my faith and trust in this life and this path. All those things I say I believe in? They really get to be tested in the in-between. I get to use all the muscles I’ve been working on developing.
It is painful but also so much more.
Sandy… I just wanted to let you know I’m thinkin’ about you in that in between place…. I’ve certainly been there before, and I think it’s wonderful that you are allowing yourself to sit with it, soften within it, and experience it in it’s fullness. I also think the feeling of restless in between intensifies around the New Year, because according to everyone else, you’re supposed to know all of the answers, to have a clear plan, to have things all lined up. Well, perhaps what you can wish for in 2010 is clarity… it doesn’t have to be any more complex than that… but at the same time, I encourage you, dear friend, to stop worrying about tomorrow and think about all the wonderful things you’ve done this last year. Quitting your job is enormous and requires great courage… bravo! The door has opened, and who knows what will appear….
Anyhow, sorry for babbling so much… much love to you!